Today I feel pretty good, mentally. I m fatigued and usually
take a mid day if not twice a day nap. I took one already today. My legs are
weak, and unsteady, causing me to use a cane, and my upper body strength is nonexistent…
I actually fell down and couldn’t get up…the paramedics had to be called since
Denise could not lift me. But mentally- at this moment, I feel good. I suspect it is the pharmaceuticals I am
taking to modify my mood. Some people
resist the drugs. They want to experience life without any filters. I don’t
feel like I am missing anything, I believe I am a cognizant as possible- just
with less stress and anxiety.
Yesterday I had several appointments- so I missed taking my
noon prescriptions. My nephrologists delivered another brick in my health
challenges, saying I would need to go on Dialysis sooner rather than later. My
kidney is operating on 14%. When it falls below 10% or so, I will need to
begin. He then suggested that maybe I start early to see if that would make me
feel better. Dialysis will be my last resort. I don’t need to rush things along
on a hope. Needless to say my attitude,
demeanor was pretty low. I could have used my meds to keep me balanced and
anxiety free. Instead, I was overwhelmed
by my decade long battle against cancer that seemed to be getting the better of
me.
Today I feel better- no overwhelming despair. I am of course
aware of my situation, just not so dependent upon my mood- I say yes to pharmaceuticals.
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