popping pills

Today I feel pretty good, mentally. I m fatigued and usually take a mid day if not twice a day nap. I took one already today. My legs are weak, and unsteady, causing me to use a cane, and my upper body strength is nonexistent… I actually fell down and couldn’t get up…the paramedics had to be called since Denise could not lift me. But mentally- at this moment, I feel good.  I suspect it is the pharmaceuticals I am taking to modify my mood.  Some people resist the drugs. They want to experience life without any filters. I don’t feel like I am missing anything, I believe I am a cognizant as possible- just with less stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I had several appointments- so I missed taking my noon prescriptions. My nephrologists delivered another brick in my health challenges, saying I would need to go on Dialysis sooner rather than later. My kidney is operating on 14%. When it falls below 10% or so, I will need to begin. He then suggested that maybe I start early to see if that would make me feel better. Dialysis will be my last resort. I don’t need to rush things along on a hope.  Needless to say my attitude, demeanor was pretty low. I could have used my meds to keep me balanced and anxiety free.  Instead, I was overwhelmed by my decade long battle against cancer that seemed to be getting the better of me.

Today I feel better- no overwhelming despair. I am of course aware of my situation, just not so dependent upon my mood- I say yes to pharmaceuticals.

Time on my hands

I have resisted resuming my blog for a couple reasons…. I have no identified mission or message. Many of people write blogs concerning their illnesses, one of my CLL colleague helps many people by clearing some misconceptions, interviewing national CLL experts- his blog has a meaning- a mission. A few years ago I wrote a series of entries concerning my dysfunctional childhood. Unfortunately I offended my sister by the portrayal of my mother.  In deference to her, I deleted the entries

I was also afraid of what I might write.  Being truthful about my illness- my rapid decline in the last six months- it’s hard to keep up a sunny front each day. Or expressing my strong opinions I have concerning the actions and behavior of some family members might seem extremely judgmental- they are. However, I decided that the purpose of resuming this self serving blog is to leave behind my voice-I am ill, I have no idea how long I will be here- but I would like to leave a sense of who I am behind. The title should excuse me from serious endeavors- Rambling by Randy:   Not deep thoughts, or biblical wisdom, just rambling- thoughts and attitudes I might be experiencing now- today.  I have the time.  The objective will be to be truthful and prepare for not all to like what I have to say.

Hang on…

Man plans.

Man plans, God laughs. I planned on getting out and doing some shopping today. My waist has dropped 8 inches and my old jeans require suspenders. I look like an old man.  Denise bought me a pair but of course I need more. Woke up a 7:30, had a bowl of frosted flakes and coffee and read the local paper. 9:30 decided a short nap was in order. Just woke up. 1:30. Guess I could still go shopping-  but it's Saturday near christmas. My plan was to go early and avoid as much as possible  the crowds.

Actually Denise told me that already discounted wranglers have an additional 10 % off on Tuesdays. This plan avoidance is benefitting me.

That's the way life is. Make a plan, get upset because it doesn't work out exactly as expected and many times it works out better, if we allow it too. People are the worse. You have a plan for their lives that you know is good, but they have other ideas.  It seems the stronger we press our ideas, the more resistance they give. We have to be careful we don't back them in a corner where they focus more on winning the battle than the original plan.

Heavenly Father give us the wisdom to know when to fight and when to surrender to your will.

In Jesus's name Amen.

Randy Shannon 

Battle Weary

Sitting in the ID docs office, having the dressing on my mid line replaced.  I have had something stuck in my arm since Feb 20.  

Twice a day infusions- antibiotics . No change in sight. Playing with the big c for 15 years now. Bladder, leukemia, kidney, ureter. 

Once a month six hour infusion for my immune system- no end in sight. 

Quarterly trams urethral reactions to replace a stint to keep my kidney functioning - no end date. 

Massive game of whack a mole. 

Just a bit battle weary. 

Monday? It's Monday again???

Now that I am on (I will call it temporary) disability...the days all blend together. None more distinctive than the other- especially in the summer when my granddaughters do not have school. I rise each day to the usual procedure...coffee is an necessary element, as is reading.  I am currently on an antibiotic regimen that is infused every morning and again in the evening...so I get that out of the way. A couple more weeks left on that- and hopefully none afterwards. Lunch, maybe (usually) a nap- as one friend describes naps- not a luxury if they are necessary. Afternoon reading- some fiction, some spiritual, some non fiction (I have several books going at once) eventually dinner and the news shows to see what I missed. I get most of my news these days from the television. Watching Fox, MSNBC, and occasionally CNN. I swear they drive in to work together to get their positions straight.

The daily newspaper is predictable...thick on Sunday's thin on Tuesdays... and medium sized the rest of the week. Not much to surprise me in the paper these days- with the 24 hour news cycles and all- but occasionally I find something of local interest.

Newspapers use to expand the issues- give great depth and substance to the abbreviated televised news stories. Now fighting for their survival in a digital world- they are economizing every chance they can. I have subscribed to a daily newspaper for over thirty years now- even when I spent seven months in Columbus- so I will miss it if it folds. The Tampa Tribune is the first newspaper I ever subscribed to... I did subscribe to the electronic newspaper for IPads- The Daily. It was very colorful, and a bit like USA Today- McPaper. It folded after a ten month run...

Anyway- now you know why I call this "Ramblings by Randy"...no agenda- like a visually challenged javelin thrower- I don't usually hit my target, but I do keep the crowd on it's toes.

Happy Father's Day

The fifth commandment states that "Thou Shall Honor thy Father and Mother..."

Today, Father's day, I will attempt to do so.  It is tough for me, my father has passed away 32 years ago, when I was a young man.  There are many unanswered questions- many things I would love to ask him man to man... I never had the chance. There were many years that I resented him- disliked his decisions, wanted to blame him for my challenges- my dysfunctional upbringing. Even though I know in my intellect, that as an adult I am responsible for my actions- there is a part of me that wants to blame Boyd for the trials and tribulations of my past.

Boyd Shannon was an imperfect man. His alcoholism and lack of self esteem created a family challenge that colors the way I see things today. The way I respond to things... 

Born and raised in Old Fort Tennessee he lost his father when he was a boy.  The third of five brothers and two sisters, he can easily be described as the black sheep of the family.  Boyd worked in the Republic Steel pickle plant, as a welder. The coils of steel needed to be cleansed with an acidic solution to get rid of the impurities...Boyd welded the coils together to allow for a continuous feed into the pickling process. On my birth certificate, it list's Boyd's occupation as a pickler. It was the worse place at the plant- the pickle house. Hot in the summer, cold in the winter...mind numbing redundancy.

Boyd hated his job- but like most of that "greatest generation" those that served in World War II, a job was a necessity. He left Tennessee after the war- marrying my mother and moving to Cleveland Ohio to work in the factories. Working at Republic Steel was a good paying middle class job, and many that worked there built a good life.  Boyd's alcoholism got in the way.  Fortunately or not- depending upon your stance- the unions were strong, and firing Boyd for repeated absences, a few jail drunk tank times and occasional instances of being sent home for being drunk at work was not an option...he retired from Republic Steel at age 62.

I am trying hard not to use this as references to his weaknesses. Age and mistakes of my own has taught me that Boyd did not arise every morning with the sole goal of screwing up his and his family's lives. He wanted to do good- but he did not have the consistency to do so. I think he felt beaten by it- the alcoholism- the insecurity that plagued him... He surrendered. He existed. But he gave me life, he gave me examples of what was right...and tried to do his best. 

He gave me life, and in his own way supported me until I left home to join the Air Force... He fished with me when I was five- then things went south. He loved to play the banjo- but stopped playing- and sold his banjo again around the time I was 5 or six years old. His marriage to my mother- 15 years his junior was a nightmare. His life after that point was pretty much mundane- he worked, and went to the bars. Many time I went with him, sitting on the bar stool drinking coca colas... God forgive me on some of the instances when he "stopped" drinking- the tenseness he displayed,  had me wishing he would start again. When he did, I was flooded with a mix or guilt, as if I had "wished" this into being.

There are several times I felt proud of him...while on disability- he had a nerve condition that caused him to be unable to walk for a couple of years- he read the Bible- from front to back.  He also had occasional burst where he would take us to church- but truthfully they were less than can be counted on one hand. He was able to return to work after a stint in the Veteran's Hospital (again thanks to the unions) and eventually remarried and had a somewhat normal life. He married a Tennessee girl he had dated as a young man,

When he retired at age 62 they moved back to Tennessee. He bought his second house (the first had been foreclosed) He didn't tell me he was moving- I found out when I went to visit him. His landlord told me.  Boyd died unexpectedly at age 67, after a night of drinking with an old drinking buddy. He had a heart attack the following day.

His challenges without a doubt made me try a little harder, expect more from myself, and fear alcoholism- even though I attempted to follow in his footsteps as a young man.

For that I love him and honor him this day.

Chinese Handcuffs (or why can't I remember my lessons?)

The lesson of Chinese Handcuffs are simple- the more you resist- the more they tighten and restrict. It is a pretty basic technology woven into the little buggers...and one of the hardest things for me to remember. Even though at 58, I can recount numerous times when I resisted something that looked bad, ultimately relented (relaxed) and saw the advantage (better solution) or rather the disadvantage I would have suffered if I had my own way initially...

Some call it "cosmic alliances"... I call it God's influence on my whole life. He seems to know what's better for me, ultimately- then I do.

My current health issues...I mean the leukemia seems somewhat under control- or at least maintainable- except for the issues revolving around past chemo treatments that have knocked off one kidney, caused malignant tumors to form in my ureter, and given me a resistant infection that required two infusions of antibiotics daily... they have gotten the better of me for some time- mentally (spiritually).

I forgot the lessons from the past... Blew out my knee...terrible- had to quit my job. Got a better career...that was the good that came from it. Grew up in a dysfunctional family- terrible- had to develop character and learn things on my own...succeeded far more than expected. Lost contact with a close friend- over an argument...his involvement in illegal activities might have sucked me in as well... Time reveals all. I need to fast forward to being thankful for the challenges now- because they will result in better things to come.

So it is time to relax...let Him take over. Quit trying to white knuckle this situation, and be open to what He presents.

New Age stuff? Nah, just good old scripture...you know- the Bible.

I will let you know how it goes. Now adjusting my seat back, buckling in for a smooth ride, and relaxing during the trip...:)

God Bless- he certainly has blessed me...