JANUARY 13

It’s been a week since my last post. I am not sure why I don’t post more- other than lack of commitment. When I was younger, I had dreamed about being a writer. I felt I had the necessary imagination and aptitude and what I lacked in grammar I could correct along the way. The challenge however was the commitment. Real writers must commit to writing at least several hours a day. That killed it for me- a guy with a three second attention span. I took a couple of writing courses and was encouraged by teacher, family and friends- I just did not follow through. My lame excuse today was that I was using a Smith Corolla before our first PC. White out was in high demand. Anyway, a week has passed and no posting from me.

Writing like Blogging is rather personal. You have to open parts of yourself you may be uncomfortable with. If you write about a certain horrible thing, you might be asked what personal experience brought you the confidence to write of this. What have YOU done? Plagiarized versions of sexual deviance- or do you have something to tell us? Will people look at you differently after writing a wildly imagined scene of cruelty and physical abuse? Some writers are fearless. Fortunately, my blog is a factual rendering- no wild sex scenes.

I saw my Palliative Shrink yesterday. She hates it when I call her a shrink. So of course… She increased my Lexapro dosage. This anxiety med should help me in the mornings when I have challenges thinking about my future. I know some people have a problem with any type of drug that alters your mood. I find that if I have some stressor or imbalance that doesn’t allow me to think clearly- correcting that is the smartest things to do- just forget the ego that says-“I am a man- I can work it out myself”. I make better balanced decisions when I am not under stress. Is it for everyone- no of course not. I just want to do what’s right for me.

Denise’s eBay business seems to consistently grow. I am very proud of the effort she puts into it. She also runs about like a Tasmanian devil on the house, helping the girls with their homework, and of course taking care of me.  Driving me to appointments, tracking my blood pressure, taking care of the tasks I can no longer handle. I get concerned that she does not seem to know how to relax. She works herself to exhaustion each night.  She says she enjoys it however, and I suspect it allows her take her mind off the present day challenges.

I decided I need to register with VA medical. If I find in the future I need more intense medical coverage- an in home nurse, or even a stint in a nursing facility, they may be of assistance. Looking for my DD form 214, Denise pulled down an old box from the attic. The photo insert I attached is from my Basic Training Flight-photograph displaying all the brave young men standing at attention facing forward, except one airman standing a bit sideways with a smirk on his face.  Some things have always been the same:  Round peg in a square hole.

On the family front- I found a letter in the old box that my sister Robin had written some 40 plus years ago. It was disturbing and extremely personal- I texted her to see if she wanted it. She told me to throw it away- Robin is a strong Christian woman who just wants to move on. No news from my sister Kim.  I suspect she is going to Bingo and enjoying her friends.  No news is good news. Kenny has been in NC visiting Linda and her son Brian. Linda is without a doubt the matriarch of the family- so any time with her is good time. Kenny continues to face some challenges that keep him and his daughter at the top of my prayer list.

Linda and Jim are still fine tuning their new home. Jim is an old hand at this by now. Linda is also working to organize Brian’s law offices, and as a true over active worker bee- getting ready for a three week trip to PA to work on H&R Block. That is what is keeping them young.

My son Angel is suffering from a pretty bad cold so he is laying low as his son Damon is learning how to become a real curtain climber- Onna continues doing well in school- really would like to see them all soon.

The other three grandkids came for Ham dinner Sunday. It’s nice having them and their parents- a real family thing that I never had. Heavyn and Neese have become essential to preparing these meals, while the youngest- Byrnley, cute as a button, runs through the house- ruling the roost.  She is what I call a willful child, full of energy.  Why the young have children- they would kill us old folks.

Well, I guess I will wrap this up- it seems to have turned into one of those Christmas update letters- what we have been up to for the past 12 months. If you are still reading at this point God bless you. I will spend the rest of today updating my new Street’s calendar my buddy Gilbert sent me- and it seems testing my luck with the unexpected scratch ticket he included. Looking for a winner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Afternnon

Tuesday January 6^th. Had my nap, lunch, and just chilling in the leather chair- windows all open- a beautiful Florida winter day.  I have just a couple of Doctor Appointments later in the week. My meds seem to be blending me well today- but I think that could change in a New York minute.

Getting up in the morning is done in several stages. I need to will myself to get up. I need to get beyond the initial hopelessness I might feel to determine that I should get up, and not stay in bed.  Some morning I feel neutral- some I am angry, and some I feel deep despair.  I am not trying to sing the blues here- just give an accurate portrayal of my initial thoughts and emotions after my 12 year battle. The physical part is not that easy as well. With very little body and arm strength, I need to swing my legs over the side of the bed and using my cane- get into a sitting position. My fear is falling between the bed and the wall and having to have the paramedics come pick me up. Pushing off, I stand and get my balance. I am aware of that balancing parts more and more since I feel a couple weeks ago walking into the bathroom. Taking care of my bathroom needs and taking my morning meds, I stumble to my chair, where Denise has a cup of coffee for me, with my two newspapers. This is the way I start every day. It is usually 7 or 8 o clock.

Bartlebee passed away. He was just too weak and the paw too infected to survive. We found him a nice placement next to the playhouse. Denise is going to use a concrete market- she will mix it from a bag- as soon as we can determine an appropriate transcription.

I head off to Columbus in March for my next meeting in Byrdland. The CLL seems to be pretty dormant and boring right now. That’s good. Other issues, I have been having some low blood pressure challenges lately- 80/65 type numbers. My local hem doc took me off some cardiac medicine and that seems to be clearing up the blood pressure issue. Like playing whack a mole.

I am thinking Denise and I should go to Vermont in March as well. I got a photo of my grandson this morning and man he is growing fast. I would go sooner- but Denise is the dedicated driver these days- and she doesn’t want to drive in the snow. March can still have a flurry or so- but the odds are better for a dry road. Denise could actually drive and see her mother and brother one day. I would stay in Rutland with Angel and Gil watching over me.  Denise hates to leave me alone. Why would I not go with Denise to her mother’s? Well, that’s another story for another blog.

Denise has gone off to pick up Neece from school.  As my second oldest grandchild, I can say without hesitation- she is unique. She dances to her own music. She is a great soccer player who gives it her all.  I overheard one parent say- she plays as hard as a boy.  I will take that as a compliment- she sweats up a storm. She comes here every day after school and does her homework- Granma Denise, a former teacher, loves it. They both get their one on one time.

My laptop has become less mobile than it was. The battery is cooked- so it has to stay plugged in to use it, and parts of the keyboard doesn’t work- so I have an external key board plugged in, other than that it is fine.

Well, it seems like I am stretching for something to put in here- so it must be time to ramble off.

God Bless,

Randy Shannon

Sunday Afternoon

1:01 PM, Plant City Florida-84 degrees. Woke up from my daily 10-12pm nap and prepared a nice salami cheese and lettuce sandwich on fresh Italian Bread. Two Macadamia nut cookies and a coke zero on the side.  I am not really hungry; I haven’t felt hungry in some time.  I just know that I need to eat- my weight has not decreased from the rapid 80 lb fall, but it’s not going up either. I think I am bulletproof- I am able to eat as much as I want and no weight gain. It would be wonderful if I felt like eating more…

Getting up at 12:00, I took my mid day mood enhancing drugs- they give me a sense of well being over all. It’s not as if I am stumbling around- I can be a clear headed as normal- I just don’t feel the overwhelming stress and anxiety I would feel without it.  Facing facts- I have some bad prognosis- terminal in fact. I realize that. I just need a means to work through it.  The drugs seem to magnify my positive emotions- especially love for my family. Concerning my grandchildren, I can’t think of them without feeling warmth in my heart.

Denise has been trying to nurse our community cat back to health.  Bartlebee has a badly infected paw- probably from a cat fight. He disappeared for a couple of days- but we found him mewing softly in our bushes.  Force feeding him and cleaning his wounds; we have him in a basket in the kitchen. We will evaluate in the morning. He is pretty weak, but better than he was.

Tomorrow, my baby brother turns 51- Ken is ten years younger than me. That’s a lot of years.  When I left home he was seven. Unfortunately, I left him and my sisters with my mother who was clearly- in retrospect, a psychopath. She made their lives hell in a lot of ways. Ken spent more and more time with the neighbors. All in all, Ken has pulled his life around-getting educated in a good career- dedicating himself to being a good father- even when the odds seem stacked against him, he didn’t give up. I am extremely proud of his accomplishments.  He is a good man.

My sister Robin turned 55 on Christmas day.  What a bummer having that date as your birthday. She also survived my mother’s house of horrors- is a Christian, works in the healthcare field, and has what I know she always wanted- a large family she can take care of.

Kim, 48- the baby of the family loves animals- she has rescued numerous dogs- and raised two young men who would make any mother proud.

They lived with my mother until her abrupt death- then Kim went to live with Linda, Kenny, eventually moved in with Denise and me and graduated high school in Vermont and since Robin was an adult she stayed, living with my stepfather.

Our father was no prize either- he died four weeks before my mother in Tennessee. Old news.

Linda is the oldest-65. She married and had children young. Growing up, she was the responsible adult in our family. When we needed something for school- I needed gym trucks- she would make it happen, even when it is the night before and getting late. She has told me she feels guilty that she did not do more for Kenny, Robin, and Kim when Mom was at her worst-- but she was a kid. What could she do? Believe me; she continues to be there for them when they need her.  Sometime I thought they might be taking advantage of her- but she is a generous loving person. Her two sons she raised have turned out to be smashing successes. She speaks to them daily, and works in her son’s Law office- helping him stay organized.

Well there’s an example again of why I call it “Rambling by Randy.”  I am all over the place. I am going to go sit of the porch and read.

God Bless

Randy Shannon

 

 

Starting off the new year

January 1, 2015. Happy new year. 

It's been a busy couple of days. Had an end of year clinic visit in Ohio at the new James Cancer Center- part of Ohio State University.  The end of year visit was hastily planned when I was given two free tickets- but they had to be used by 12/31/14. Denise and I flew in on the 30th, and back home on the 31st- arriving at 12:10. We started the day with scans at 7am. 

I did not see Dr Byrd, he was off...but Mona, Bridget, Kim, and Michelle took care of us. Other than a stand off with an overbearing RN, it went well. 

The trip back was a two leg trip. We had several hours in Baltimore. Also a scare with the luggage- all the bags had been through the system, but ours was not on the belt. Fortunately it had arrived earlier and was in the baggage office. Feeling blessed about that. 

The trip started a big rocky. The morning of the 30th, I got up to get ready, walking into the bathroom, and I lost my balance. I fell into the shower curtain, into the bathtub breaking the soap dish. As some of you may know my upper body and leg strength is non existent these days. After some jockeying and twists we had to call the Plant City paramedics. The two young men arrived and got me up and out.  

This is the fourth time I fallen in the last month. First in the bathroom- lost my balance. The paramedics had to be called to the rescue. The second, late one night by the pool. Again balance failed me and I cracked my skull on the planter. Two am and no one up or around. I was able to slide my butt onto a step and work my way up. No serious damage to the planter. The third time I was on the front porch playing with the cat. Lost my balance and down I went knocking over the furniture. It was not too late, but I was grateful no neighbors came by. I worked my way up on the furniture. 

Prior to the first fall, I knew my strength was waning. I dropped 80 lbs or so of muscle mass, and began realizing it when I could not lift a 5 lbs water bottle. I use to sell and carry  kegs of beer the were 165 lbs.  There is defiantly a macho element to this. As a sixty year old man, having to use a cane to make sure I don't topple over, and have to ask your wife for some assistance lifting things, it can be a bit  disturbing.  

Denise has been a real trooper through all this. She wants to fix it, as is her nature. I have to remember to be more understanding as she asks me numerous times a day  " are you okay?"  She tries to anticipation of my needs.  The. Macho part of me has a hard time with that- especially when she is right. 

Unfortunately I am not seeing any improvement in my strength.  

Talk to you later. 

Randy.