2000-2010 What a decade

Man, here it is-2010. What a decade. Y2k did not happen- but 911 did.

Bin Laden still lurks out there, and terrorists still attempt to attack us.

I started out the decade living in my “last” house- in Vermont, and here at the end of 2009 and I am in my fourth house in Florida- not counting a seven month “retreat” in a Columbus Condo.

I took my dream job and moved to Florida after twenty-two years in Vermont. Denise’s mother’s suspicion that I would take her daughter out of state was finally confirmed.

Hit fifty- and discovered what Chronic Lymphocritic Leukemia was in the same year.

Bought a Mustang convertible- yeah, I am that fat old guy driving around...who else can afford them?

Learned to distinguish between CLL experts and strip mall oncologist: fired a few along the way.

I found out that Chemo did not always radiate- and unfortunately did not always work.

Also discovered that good Doctors listened, and it is not more expensive to go to the best...just sometimes less convenient.

Attempted a Bone Marrow Transplant- but lost a kidney instead. Since I have two, I do not miss it much…and I am not sure the transplant being scrapped was such a bad thing.

Lost more CLL warriers than I like to admit.

Had my best income year in 2007, and my worse (for the decade)in 2008.

I woke up in September 2008 to a looming financial disaster.

Discovered that some businesses were too big to fail, and their rescue had very little to do with me or the economy.

Decided that I needed to go on disability, and that being frugal was a good thing.

Discovered that not letting the Realtors talk us into a bigger house was also a good thing.

Tried hard not to believe that all politicians were self serving…still a mighty battle with the jury still out.

Found that Denise liked to remodel, and she lost her fear of power tools. She built several out buildings- including a playhouse for our granddaughters. They believe all grandmothers build playhouses.

I lost two sons- had one returned and become responsible-while the other remains in the wind.

I became aware of what being a grandfather meant, three times, and the commitment to family.

Learnt to give thanks for all things...all things. Time and age has shown me that what appears to be bad, may not be so bad in the big picture... see the reference to my missing kidney.

There are so many things that have happened this decade. So many ironic, sad, and happy things to recount and consider.

One thing is consistent- we remain- we are blessed, and with God’s will, we will survive.

Denise and I are desperately trying to stay awake for a dinner cruise tonight in Tampa Bay… our thirtieth New Years Eve together.

God Bless and Happy New Year!

Blame it on Dennis

Years ago, working in Vermont as a Marketing Director- there was a real pain in the ass working with me, in a lateral job, who wanted to basically do my job. He was obnoxious, arrogant, and eventually proved to be a liar and exaggerator. He collected his things one evening when the proverbial jig was up and he was about to be exposed, and was never seen again.

He also allowed some to conveniently use him as a scapegoat- problem with the accounting software- Must have been Dennis. Do we have inventory issues? That darn Dennis… It really got to be absurd…even to me who almost (almost) came to blows with Dennis when he entered my office and tried to intimidate me. I refer to my reaction as going “Cleveland” on him.

Dennis did some pretty bad things- but not as much as he was given credit for. Allowing some to avoid adult responsibility. It was childish to blame him- to shirk responsibilities. Dennis was not responsible for all ills that befell this company prior and since his departure.

I suspect Mr. Obama is also still in that “childish” behavior-blaming bad ol’ George Bush for everything bad in our lives. The fact is we still need to do something about the challenges we face-no matter whom may have caused them.

Grow some, uhhh- convictions Mr. President. Quit blaming "George" for everything.

The Effects of Sleep Deprivation

Sleep deprivation can have serious effects on your health in the form of physical and mental impairments. Inadequate rest impairs our ability to think, handle stress, maintain a healthy immune system and moderate our emotions. In fact, sleep is so important to our overall health that total sleep deprivation has been proven to be fatal: lab rats denied the chance to rest die within two to three weeks.

Without adequate rest, the brain's ability to function quickly deteriorates. The brain works harder to counteract sleep deprivation effects, but operates less effectively: concentration levels drop, and memory becomes impaired.
Similarly, the brain's ability to problem solve is greatly impaired. Decision-making abilities are compromised, and the brain falls into rigid thought patterns that make it difficult to generate new problem-solving ideas. Insufficient rest can also cause people to have hallucinations. Other typical effects of sleep deprivation include:

• depression
• heart disease
• hypertension
• irritability
• slower reaction times
• slurred speech
• tremors.

I have been battling a urinary tract infection that has caused me to get up 5-7 times every night, not permitting me to get a good nights sleep...since early November.

Ironically, the CAL 101 phase one chemo trial I am on for my CLL seems to be working. I just have not had the opportunity to experience it due to this infection.

I am seeing an ID Doctor today because unfortunately my continued use of antibiotics to fend off infections have made oral antibiotics ineffective. I have to go for the heavy duty stuff by IV.

I believe irritability, while that come to me "naturally", will be lessened once this rotton $#%&# infection is eliminated.

God Bless,

Ming Survives

The title- "Ming Survives" is borrowed from the famous quote of John Adams, on his death bed in Massachusetts at age 90...Unknown to him, his old friend and political ally/opponent Thomas Jefferson also was either dying or dead in Virginia. It was July 4th, 1826- fifty years after the Declaration of Independence. The last of the original signers.

Denise and I recently watched the mini series, "John Adams" from Netflix... He was portrayed as a crotchety old bastard that had high principles and did not bend. Fair minded- concerned with justice for all. A good role model...in my opinion.

Tough thing about having a dog is that they get old and eventually may have to be put down. Ming, my Shtz Zu, and old traveling buddy was of concern. His back legs were not functioning properly, and his vision seemed to be severely impaired. So we took him for a quality of life meeting with the Vet.

Fortunately for all-especially Ming, he was given a steroid and seems to be back to normal- as an old dog...He is in no pain, and besides having just a few teeth-he loves his home made dog food. He will live to fight another day...

As will I.

God Bless,

Oil Change

Changed my oil today....Big deal...I use to regularly change my oil, plugs, points and on one particular vehicle with an aluminum head- the head gaskets every three thousand miles or so. It has been a long time since I last personally performed these tasks-probably when Ronald Reagan was President. It has been too easy to have someone else do it...and not that expensive. Of course plugs last about 100k now and points- well they don't exist.

I woke up this morning, again after a long night of interrupted sleep and was determined not to allow this situation to prevent me from living life. I found my ramps in the shed- and thanks to my friend Dave Skuller- I timidly pulled the Mustang up onto the ramps. He suggested that I might overshoot the end of the ramps. That had never occurred to me- or happened, even in the old days of conder blocks and wood planks... But I thought of it as I inched up the incline.

Six quarts of synthetic, a new oil filter and only a tad on the drive way when I kicked the drain pan wiggling my fat butt under the car...I also have a pair of sneakers now officially deemed "oil changing shoes..."

I also had a little spillage as I drained the pan into the oil jugs for transport to the recycling center. A little oil sloshed over onto the grass.

Al Gore would be upset.

Not apologizing for being an American

Japanese automakers sold 319,342 vehicles under the U.S. cash-for-clunkers program this year, almost half of the roughly 677,000 vehicles purchased. About 115,000 of those Japanese vehicles were imported.

Now Japan is running its own stimulus plan designed, in the midst of a market wide slump, to boost sales of fuel-efficient cars. And the rules shut out all U.S.-brand vehicles.

I will no longer be ashamed of our successes. I will not be ashamed of what we have as a nation- as a basic standard of living. I do not want to lower my standard of living to level the playing field. The US standard of living, the successes of our nation WAS not accomplished on the backs of the third world countries. It was accomplished by men and women who had a dream and took a chance. Many came to this country, legally, to pursue that dream, knowing that they might very well fail in their attempts. Many did fail. But they got back up and tried again. We are not a second rate country- we do not owe any apologies to any other countries for succeeding, growing, and prospering. We have done so by the sweat and determination of our people. Actually, truth be told- we have done it with THEIR people, The people who chose to leave their homeland for something better: The United States of America. All were not too big to fail... they were determined.

We have done this living with our self imposed restrictions, trade, environment, health care, and worker’s rights. Oil rigs are appearing between Cuba and Florida, while we debate. We monitor the levels of toxins we have in our products while the Chinese happily send us sheet rock and children’s toys that cause us harm. We have no restriction on the import of Cars – even allowing foreign companies to set up shop here- while we are not allowed to compete equally.

When will we get some politicians with the stones to defend the values and efforts of the Americans they supposedly represent?

I am not apologizing any longer. Neither should my elected officials.

God Bless America.

Sleep

Still lacking a good night's sleep. This urinary thing is getting old. The doctors are on it- but again I am reminded why they call it practising medicine. Last night up every hour on the hour...My usual sweet demeaner is without a doubt being challenged. Not a time to make major decisions or discuss with Denise budgets, travel, dog care, or for that matter anything else...

I woke up this morning (the last time) and thought about what a pain this is- no energy, no enthusiasm...grouchie as a bear... and wondered what I could do. Feeling a little sorry for myself...

Prayer is always a good thing- as well as acceptance and giving thanks.

So I did, I gave thanks.

Tough... giving thanks for not sleeping! Well why not, I have seen many other strange things come from odd occurences in my life... and if I believe the words inside the Book... I guess I need to not put my own predetermined qualifications on them... My old (well previous) pastor use to say...if the book is not true- then throw it away, go do whatever you want... (I am sure he said it much more eloquently than that)the point was to either grasp it, accept it or not.

There is no gray areas...the Bible is a manual for living.

So, thank you Lord for the situation that is now upon me- I don't understand but I have faith that you are in control...and I accept your authority in my life.

Maybe this is a time when I get to put to practise my belief that I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me... as well as time to do as I frequently tell my siblings and sons when they might bemoan a current situation...identify where and what is current and move forward. Nothing can change the past- no wishing or hoping- there is no time to have a pity party. Do something. It might be wrong- but that will become evident...and move you toward the right path.

So this morning, after praying I decided- okay, I am not getting any sleep-now what...Time to act... I actually went out today, accomplished several things on my list... that's a start..

day by day... feeling better already.

God Bless

You are What you Think.

Flying back home last night from Columbus, I thought of the many life challenges I have met and succeeded in overcoming. I thought of the obstacles. I have come a long way. God has been good to me- better than I have deserved. I seem to have a sense of euphoric visions while hurtling through the sky at 40,000 feet, or sitting by the ocean- or Gulf of Mexico in my case; it allows me to feel extreme possibilities. Maybe it is a sense of being closer to Him. Plans form, obstacles appear less threatening… I feel like I can accomplish life changing goals…start projects, expand my horizons.

I guess I mention all this because I find myself looking for ailments these days. Thinking that things will not get better- wondering what I should start and what I should not try… Granted there have been some physical limitations associated with my leukemia and recent bladder surgeries… but I have to admit I have gotten sucked into it as well. For nearly six years now I have been waking each morning wondering if I would have a good day or not. In reality, I have been looking for the negative signs of CLL progression.

Thirty years ago I read a book by a fellow “Doug Hooper” titled “You are What You Think…” Doug had been a mousey guy who lived an uneventful life. Work, family, Church, and some volunteer time at a local prison- San Quentin- a prison ministry. He tried to encourage men in prison to escape their circumstances first in their mind… acting as if they were law abiding citizen, and the laws of nature would take over. Erasing the negative thoughts of themselves and visualize being responsible members of society. Water seeks it own level. If you were a law abiding responsible person, you would be out of synch, out of place in a prison environment… Apparently, the men who followed that advice seemed to transcend the usual rotation of jail- out- trouble- jail again… many defied the odds- the expected outcome of their lives. He spoke of the laws of nature- the law of cause and effect being as real as the law of gravity.

Doug realized one day that he had been talking a mean game- but had not been following his own advice. He was like many, living ok, struggling financially within his means, but not personally fulfilled. So he applied the logic of acting as if- visualizing himself receiving checks in the mail, writing a column, publishing books… being a public speaker, and eventually that all came to pass.

I read his books, listened to his audio tapes and actually met Mr. Hooper at a time when I was trying to expand my possibilities become a better person…and not live up to the lowered expectations that my past had presented to me. A life that I expected to have- that was not v ery fulfilling. I suppose I could blame people- my parents, my teachers, the government...but the fact would still be there... If something was going to change- I had to be a part of that.

So, I read many positive mental attitude books- took courses at my own expense, like Dale Carnegie, Anthony Robbins, and Karass Negotiating. I maxed out employer programs that paid for workshops. I looked for the common denominators of each that could be fitted into my life. I went to church. I eventually found a "good" Bible reading church. That was key. After 13 years in a highly visable image church- I learned more about the Bible in the first six months in a small "bible reading" church.

I am fortunate to have been blessed mightily with a good wife and a Lord who presented me with possibilities within His word (over and over I might add- I was a slow learner) and within my life experiences. Denise encouraged me... God guided me- when I got out of His way. My job has been to connect the dots. Quite frankly, I felt pretty much on track until about six years ago.

Hooper also spoke about physical health- how listening to others describe their illness, how rampant a virus or flu might be- he found himself coming down with the symptoms. He decided to stop looking for ailments. Sounds like a good idea.

40,000 feet can add some clarity.

Now what? Still have leukemia. I still have Bladder cancer. What I need to do is feel closer ro God, and feel his love for me. I need to start acting as if… appling some laws of nature- and maybe getting out of God's way.

Now that I have published this, I guess I have to do it...

Hang on....

God Bless,

28 degrees and holding…

Back to Columbus today- clinic tomorrow, CT Scans early Wednesday, and return to Florida in the afternoon. I will be staying at the motel closest to the Hospital… and right next to a Tim Horton’s and Bob Evans- great coffee at Tim's, and Biscuits and Gravy at Bob's. Unfortunately, both mornings I am not allowed to have coffee or breakfast. Cruel and unusual punishment...

I finally have had a decent night's sleep last night… I got up several times… but not every 30-45 minutes as has been usual. Sleep deprivation does not improve my usual sweet demeanor, and just enforces my reputation as a surly bastard… The lack of sleep thing has really stopped me from doing most of anything… no trips to the beach, no afternoon escape to read… just a lump.

I haven’t even gotten too upset with the political pandemonium out there… The Barry, Harry, and Nancy show.

I did spend some time on Saturday looking at some options for my ailing elderly dog, Ming. He is 17 and not doing too well. It is tough taking care of something like this- and you want to make sure you are not too quick to pull the plug. Ming must has sensed his slippery situation- as he has been a bit more active- running to the corner and back- as if to let me know it is not yet time. He is in no pain, so we are all safe for now. Truth be told, we got our other dog Quincy so we would not have a lapse once Ming went… that was four years ago…

Ming responds well to proper motivation...

I can respect that...especially now that Denise has lost her fear of power tools...

God Bless,

Allergist Immunologist- a new set of friends to play with.

Thanksgiving was nice here- my sister and her husband, their grown son and his family joined us. I arrived Tuesday…My grand daughters were with the other grandparents- missed them, but this is not a competition. Unfortunately my Sister and BIL from PA got sick- hacking and coughing- losing their voices… so we did not spend as much time as I would like to after t-day. This CLL thing, makes me feel like a sissy sometimes. I know that is not Politically correct- but staying away from possible infected people, really is a bear. It is another part of who I am that I have to give up. I wanted so much to just disregard the knowledge, ignore that I could get seriously ill from my loved ones, and ignore the conventional wisdom- Macho Man. But I didn’t.

I have been back in the sunshine state one week now…back in my own bed- playing with the grand daughters, watching over my elderly dog, Ming…and I have a couple of skin eruptions on my right elbow and left calf… I had several that had healed when I arrived in Columbus.

I have done some research; found a couple of somewhat highly regarded Allergist/Immunologist here in Tampa. Asking for the top dog, I will see him tomorrow. The goal is to see if he can assist in determining what is happening due to my weakened immune system…and hopefully come up with some suggestions. These freaky things are one of the worse challenges I face---I would love to find a way to identify what causes them and correct the issue… the belief that lymph mode growth internally are causing the skin issues doesn’t fly with my current Cal 101 program. My nodes are down…

In preparation for our appointment, I put together a time line of skin issues, hospitalizations due to skin eruptions/fevers, and periods of no skin challenges. It has been a pretty busy 11 years since I was first diagnosed with Bladder Cancer, and then Chronic Lymphocritic Leukemia nearly six years ago and the surprise loss of my right kidney to cancer (still suspect Cytoxan was the culprit) two years ago.
I seem to have difficult times with eruptions in the spring- mid-summer, and October.
Well, I am praying for some wisdom to be placed upon the Doctor.

I will be back in Columbus next week- clinic form Cal 101, and a coming out party for the stent placed inside my bladder. Hopefully that will eliminate my need to visit the bathroom so many time during the night...

Tough Times Don't Last- Tough People do.

God Bless