Saturday Rambling

Well here we are. December 27^th. In Florida it will get up to around 80 degrees. It’s a lazy Saturday afternoon.  Denise has taken over a couch and is reading (napping) Quincy the wonder dog has another, chasing imaginary rabbits. I already had my nap. I thought I would open up my cranium and see what falls out. Setting up my lap top at my leather chair, I am off and running. Writing words not requested, and probably not read. Just a salve for my ego I suppose.

I have a nice porterhouse marinating for Denise later. She is definitely a red meat girl. Because of my lack of taste won’t make one for myself, I’ll have a baked potato and the remaining beef fried rice from Christmas dinner.

Denise is off her game today. She is a bit terse. Every now and then she is hit by the over whelming situation we find ourselves- basically my health as well as her mother’s. There is good reason- there is a lot of stuff to consume, to deal with that we would of course rather not.  Fortunately the mood doesn’t last and she is her usual cheerful person again tomorrow. Also is a good thing that she and I do not have these feeling of being overwhelmed on the same day- that could be a disaster.

We have one more appointment with Dr. Byrd this year. They found some free airline tickets that have to be used by the 31^st-so we are flying in on the 30^th and back home New Year Eve. Denise goes with me these days to drive, and push me around the airport in a wheelchair. I still feel guilty even though walking the concourse would be exhausting for me now.  Irish pride.

After the first, I will begin playing with the Mustang. It needs some brakes, oil change, and hydraulic fluids put in the rag top motor. I wanted to do that stuff myself- and bluff up my old daily driver- but it doesn’t look like it is in the cards. I will get that done and slap a for sale sign on the puppy. Still have the Cadillac going strong.

There’s talk of me going on dialysis soon. That’s three hours of cleansing three times a week. I have avoided looking too deeply into that- it seems like my last resort. I guess when tour remaining kidney is working at 14% it is.  I should know by the end of next week where that fits in.

I pray that you have a wonderful weekend- and stay within the will of God.

 

Randy Shannon

Just a recap

Well we survived Christmas. Had the local grandkids over Christmas Eve, and a great event put on by Denise?  With New Year’s ham being prepared for New Years day- it will be a perfect holiday season. Trying to adjust my meds, I just didn’t get it right as I found myself a bit agitated as the youngest grandchild resisted understanding that no means no.  Being an old guy doesn’t help, you want to grab the parents and shake. But when I look at the other two girls- I realize I am just an impatient old bastard it will all work out eventually.

I spoke with a few people on Christmas. As is the new means of communication: a couple of text messages. Oddly enough I have not heard from my sister Linda. Having moved to North Carolina, and trying to reorganize her son Brian’s Law Offices have been a challenge. Her new house if being rebuilt with them living there- you can imagine how hectic it is. She must have had other things on her mind. We have been so close over the years- especially growing up.

My brother Ken and Sister Kim celebrated Christmas together. Kim drove to Kenny’s for dinner-and they seemed to have had a good time (according to Face book)

My son Angel and family celebrated as usual in Vermont. His in laws are there and they have some pretty consistent traditions. That’s a nice way to celebrate the holidays for the kids… of course we would love to see more of our granddaughter Onna and newest edition Damon. We are loosely planning a March trip to Vermont- Denise is afraid of driving in the snow.

My sister Robin’s birthday is Christmas day. What a rip. I suggest she it she change it to April 5^th. That’s as good a date as any and the weather will be shifting toward warmth.

Other than that- things remain the same. I went out to do a local blood test- but the lab took today off.

I drove through MacDonald’s for lunch for a ¼ pound value meal- small fries and coke…what is better than that?  You may be aware (or not) I am bullet proof. I can now eat anything and everything without gaining weight. I have stopped losing weight as well- which is a good thing. I lost about 80 pounds-  I was always a full figure boy- This is probably my ideal weight- but losing it rapidly I lost muscle mass-so I am a virtual weakling.  The other challenge- ironically, is being bullet proof and able to eat anything sounds great- I have lost my sense of taste.  Everything seems bland- including the MacDonald’s fries. That’s just criminal. I feel like I am in a Twilight Zone episode.

That’s my ramble for today. Not sure why, but I felt the need to do so.

God Bless,

Randy Shannon

Deleted Post

 Okay, I blew it. I disregarded one of my personal blog/life rules. I wrote a posting that personally involved sensitive areas of someone’s life without a consult to see what their reaction would be. I deleted the post.  No one called or complained, but on a reread- which I would have benefited from, I could see my obvious slant. 

I have asked the party involved what their thoughts about  a rewrite might be.

popping pills

Today I feel pretty good, mentally. I m fatigued and usually take a mid day if not twice a day nap. I took one already today. My legs are weak, and unsteady, causing me to use a cane, and my upper body strength is nonexistent… I actually fell down and couldn’t get up…the paramedics had to be called since Denise could not lift me. But mentally- at this moment, I feel good.  I suspect it is the pharmaceuticals I am taking to modify my mood.  Some people resist the drugs. They want to experience life without any filters. I don’t feel like I am missing anything, I believe I am a cognizant as possible- just with less stress and anxiety.

Yesterday I had several appointments- so I missed taking my noon prescriptions. My nephrologists delivered another brick in my health challenges, saying I would need to go on Dialysis sooner rather than later. My kidney is operating on 14%. When it falls below 10% or so, I will need to begin. He then suggested that maybe I start early to see if that would make me feel better. Dialysis will be my last resort. I don’t need to rush things along on a hope.  Needless to say my attitude, demeanor was pretty low. I could have used my meds to keep me balanced and anxiety free.  Instead, I was overwhelmed by my decade long battle against cancer that seemed to be getting the better of me.

Today I feel better- no overwhelming despair. I am of course aware of my situation, just not so dependent upon my mood- I say yes to pharmaceuticals.

Time on my hands

I have resisted resuming my blog for a couple reasons…. I have no identified mission or message. Many of people write blogs concerning their illnesses, one of my CLL colleague helps many people by clearing some misconceptions, interviewing national CLL experts- his blog has a meaning- a mission. A few years ago I wrote a series of entries concerning my dysfunctional childhood. Unfortunately I offended my sister by the portrayal of my mother.  In deference to her, I deleted the entries

I was also afraid of what I might write.  Being truthful about my illness- my rapid decline in the last six months- it’s hard to keep up a sunny front each day. Or expressing my strong opinions I have concerning the actions and behavior of some family members might seem extremely judgmental- they are. However, I decided that the purpose of resuming this self serving blog is to leave behind my voice-I am ill, I have no idea how long I will be here- but I would like to leave a sense of who I am behind. The title should excuse me from serious endeavors- Rambling by Randy:   Not deep thoughts, or biblical wisdom, just rambling- thoughts and attitudes I might be experiencing now- today.  I have the time.  The objective will be to be truthful and prepare for not all to like what I have to say.

Hang on…

Man plans.

Man plans, God laughs. I planned on getting out and doing some shopping today. My waist has dropped 8 inches and my old jeans require suspenders. I look like an old man.  Denise bought me a pair but of course I need more. Woke up a 7:30, had a bowl of frosted flakes and coffee and read the local paper. 9:30 decided a short nap was in order. Just woke up. 1:30. Guess I could still go shopping-  but it's Saturday near christmas. My plan was to go early and avoid as much as possible  the crowds.

Actually Denise told me that already discounted wranglers have an additional 10 % off on Tuesdays. This plan avoidance is benefitting me.

That's the way life is. Make a plan, get upset because it doesn't work out exactly as expected and many times it works out better, if we allow it too. People are the worse. You have a plan for their lives that you know is good, but they have other ideas.  It seems the stronger we press our ideas, the more resistance they give. We have to be careful we don't back them in a corner where they focus more on winning the battle than the original plan.

Heavenly Father give us the wisdom to know when to fight and when to surrender to your will.

In Jesus's name Amen.

Randy Shannon