Feeling Normal

A fellow CLL'er had an accident recently, falling off a ladder while cleaning out the gutters at home. Reading some of his symptoms, ills, aches and pains one might immediately ask if the man is insane... I mean he has a severe case of CLL... Nope...he is just trying to feel normal again.

Made me think about myself- being self centered and all...

I was diagnosed in 2004- and since then I have underwent numerous chemo treatments, beet juice drinking, no meat, no sugar... and I still have CLL. Actually a rather intense kind that needs treatment, like a bone marrow transplant- or a miracle.

I told my immediate family after a few months, and I stayed on the job until January this year- 4 1/2 years- telling only a few at first, then being open about two years ago. I think I did okay, even in this troubling economy- but when I made a sales trip to LA and felt like I was "in trouble"- weak, unable to perform as I should- I took the spikes off. I received SS Disability, as well as insurance disability as soon as possible...so here I am...

At work, I was initially assigned to a position that allowed me to be somewhat creative---and I appreciate the opportunity. I also felt, as a man with an ego...that I was stuck in one place. I guess I should be thankful- and I actually was when I rationalized my thinking- but it was a special feeling...not normal.

In my home life, my friends and family were of course concerned... sometimes to the point of frustration. Some, I felt, wanted to take my pulse every time I saw them... I cannot fault them for being protective- but it was not normal.

I am, after all, a guy who always tried to succeed...who fought against the odds, and to some extent did better in life than I was expected to...to me that was normal. I liked in business being the underdog---as well as in life... and as I told one friend, I loved it when someone would say---"how did you get here?"

I like beating the odds.

I like doing it myself.

I like feeling normal...

So, my CLL Friend- I understand. I recently bought some synthetic oil, filter and found where to discard the old oil... not because I can't afford to have the oil changed...but because I want to feel "normal".

Let's hope the ramp hold....

God Bless,