Out of the Closet

I saw a Chris Wallace interview yesterday on Fox with Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a Representative from southern Florida -she discovered a lump in her breast through a self exam, two months after her first mammogram at age 40. Though the cancer was detected at an early stage, she also learned that as an Ashkenazi Jew, she was at a greater risk of having the cancer recur in healthy breast tissue, prompting her to have both breasts removed. She was also at increased risk of ovarian cancer and had her ovaries removed -- the day after Election Day. Her final surgery was in December -- almost a year to the date of her diagnosis."

``I'm a very focused, methodical person, and I wasn't going to let this beat me. I wasn't going to let it interfere with my life.'' stated Wasserman Schultz.

She successfully hid this from the press and colleagues in Washington while undergoing seven surgeries. she came out of the Cancer Closet to highlight the need for self examination- to encourage women to be proactive in their health.

She did not want to let this “define” her...

I can understand that. I can respect that Heck- I am all about that.

I suspect Wasserman Schultz- a liberal and I do not agree upon many things politically- but being in control- not allowing this “beast” to define you- living your life freely -her handling of that makes her a hero to me.

With my diagnosis of CLL- it seems everything is now related to the ailment- at least as far as I am concerned. I had a fellow blogger write about an injury- some scrapes and cuts that caused concern due to his weakened immunity. I understand. He is the same age as me, and without this “beast” we battle, the incident would have been little more than an amusing self deprecating anecdote. CLL adds an element of dark substance to our lives. When I start to get a cold, I can see the panic in my wife’s eyes. My sister, whom I love dearly, seems to almost want to check my pulse when she sees me these days –over five years now-this illness changes things.

When I first told my work, an automotive magazine publishing company (Hot Rod Automobile, Muscle Car Review, etc...) I told the guy who recruited me to the company-he is pretty senior with the company. Combating the fear that one has with catastrophic illnesses and the workplace-fostered by bad television and stereotypes, I decided I needed to be up front with those in control. By utilizing faith, prayer and putting one foot in front of the other, I dove in. He listened, asked some thoughtful questions, expressed his support, and he walked me into HR. In his US Marine voice he said- “Randy has something to tell you... we do everything we can.” He turned and left us alone. In reality, the company was fine. I had no “TV Movie” bad experiences- no sliding me out on a technically. I feel fortunate.

Initially, I was selective whom I told at work. I did not want anything to change- I wanted to maintain my “sameness” in this time of chaos. I was actually able to work through the chemo- when I had treatment in Florida, I would come to the office afterwards, and many times while in the chemo chair in Florida, New Hampshire or Ohio, I had cell phone and internet services. I would conduct business with the stuff running through me.

Of course eventually word got out.Someone had one more cocktail- confided confidentially, and as I sat on the tarmac at the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport after attending a Barrett-Jackson Auction, two leaders in the industry called me to express their concern and offer their support. The cabin door closed- and I had three and a half hours to digest the information(Thank you Lord). I composed an email assuring them I was fine- that I appreciated their concern- I wanted to maintain a normal existence.

Two months later, I was the subject of a discussion point for a trade meeting.

I came out of the closet after that- full disclosure, to everyone in my email address book. Nothing held back. I wanted to get out in front of the rumors and fear associated with “cancer”. It was interesting the reaction from some people, some responded much better than I anticipated- and of course some did not. But that is the way it is.

I wish I could live without the specter of CLL. I wish I could decide to take a cruise to Ohio, without others having concern about me. But at this point I can’t.

At work, I did have a bit of over protection, but how do you really fault that? I pretty much stayed in the same position for five years. But that was ok. Other than my occasional ego shots, it really was a stabilizing period in my life. It allowed me to focus on my treatments. But I also like to think that I was able to pull my own weight- bringing new opportunity, maintaining and creating new ventures. When I made the decision to “pull the plug,” it was time. I also had been ranked pretty well among my peers in revenue- so I was not (in my opinion) leaving on a down spot-other than a rotten economy. I was becoming less effective, in my opinion. The fatigue was kicking me. I was not operating at 100%. The Doctors were given me some time frames as well, and I felt it was time for a new chapter in my life.

I am out of the CLL Closet.

Time for some changes.